I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
