I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
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