Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
