During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
