can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
