She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Randomize
