Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
You can't motorboat a personality
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
