he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
