I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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