he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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