it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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