Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
