I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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