I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
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