i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
