I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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