she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
