So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
