I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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