Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
