I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
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