Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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