You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
