Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
