I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
