You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
