sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
