My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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