My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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