There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
