Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
