Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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