I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
