Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
