im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Randomize
