Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
