He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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