if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
