so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
