Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
