I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
