i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
