We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Are we still banned from the library?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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