My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
