my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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