she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
