how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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