I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
