FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
