you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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