Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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