it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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