I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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