guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
