Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
